no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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