there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
