I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
