I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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