Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
