A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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