i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Operation Purity has been aborted
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
