Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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