Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
