Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
