Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
