I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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