After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
