Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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