I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
