Screwed.edu
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
