I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
