just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
