K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
