I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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