bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
