I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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