The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
