im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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