Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
