so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
