Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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