Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
