Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
