it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
