So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
