The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
