His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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