she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh god it's open bar.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
