I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
