I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
