Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
