I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
