I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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