Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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