Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
