So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
