im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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