Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
