If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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