Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
