Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
