I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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