Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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