No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
