you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
